One of the lowest points in a marriage may come when one spouse is battling an addiction to alcohol or drugs. There are challenges throughout the process of addiction recovery, from the feelings of powerlessness a spouse feels while their partner is actively abusing drugs or alcohol to the odd combination of hope and anger that arises when a spouse with addiction enters drug rehab. With the persistent threat of relapse, the emotional roller coaster can continue for many years.
While addiction recovery is seldom easy – for either the addict or their spouse – learning how to support a recovering spouse is essential during this challenging time. Getting and giving support are two ways you can overcome the obstacles with your marriage intact.
Coping When You’re Married to a Recovering Addict
Supporting a spouse battling addiction is a profound act of love and commitment. It’s about being there for them during their toughest times and showing unwavering support at their lowest points. This support can be a lifeline to your partner in recovery, helping them feel less alone as they navigate the difficult path toward recovery.
Getting Support: Taking Care of Yourself
Addiction is a disease that can have a devastating impact on those closest to the addict/alcoholic. That’s why the best drug rehab programs involve family members in their loved one’s treatment. Partners learn new skills alongside their loved ones through educational workshops, family therapy sessions, and family visits. These skills should be practiced before the spouse returns home.
Drug rehab programs often recommend resources in the local community as well, including therapy. Furthermore, Al-Anon meetings are helpful to the spouse of a recovering alcoholic.
When you’re living with a spouse who is addicted to alcohol or drugs, you’ve likely grown accustomed to dysfunction. At times, you alternate between fixing all of the addict’s messes to the disengaged spouse who wants some peace.
Without intending to – and perhaps without even realizing it – you may have assumed some unhealthy roles, such as enabler or codependent spouse. You can identify unhealthy patterns through counseling and learn more positive ways to meet your needs.
Giving Support: How to Support a Recovering Spouse With Addiction
Early recovery is sometimes the most challenging time for a married couple because of all the significant life changes happening in the first year of sobriety. During that time, addicts and alcoholics need to be somewhat “selfish,” focusing on themselves to maintain sobriety and rebuild their lives and their self-esteem. This can leave spouses feeling neglected and resentful.
What a spouse battling addiction needs more than anything is the support of their partner. A study by researchers at the State University of New York at Buffalo found that men recovering from addiction are more likely to relapse if they feel that their partner is critical of them.
You can be there for your partner in recovery – and help preserve your marriage – by taking the following steps:
- Educate yourself. Learn about the recovery process and the risk factors for relapse, and work with your spouse on their relapse prevention plan. Try to understand your spouse’s journey into sobriety and the obstacles and personal torment they’ve faced.
- Open the lines of communication. Talk to your spouse with addiction about the kind of support they need, taking care not to sacrifice your own emotional, physical, or mental health. Share your hopes and expectations so that you can work toward the same goals. In counseling, you can practice new communication skills and work together to identify and manage feelings.
- Know that your relationship is going to change. Your spouse’s progress may be slow, or it may be surprisingly quick. They may meet new friends, excel at work, and perhaps even outshine you. Allow your partner some freedom to explore who they are without drugs or alcohol, knowing that a shift in responsibilities and power dynamics can bring greater happiness to your home.
- Know that you and/or your spouse may consider leaving the marriage. In the process of getting reacquainted, you may feel that you never knew or loved your spouse or that you no longer have anything in common. The emotional ups and downs of recovery may place great stress on the relationship, and it can be difficult to repair the damage, particularly if legal or financial problems continue to impact the family. Counseling can help you reconnect and remember why you came together in the first place.
- Be patient. Even without drugs or alcohol, your recovering spouse with addiction may not become the person you’ve always hoped they’d be – at least not quickly. It will take time for them to fulfill family responsibilities, and it may take time for you to be ready to put those responsibilities back in their hands.
- Work on forgiveness. Partners often have a lot of pain and anger built up after years of dealing with an addicted spouse. Those feelings are unquestionably valid, but holding on to them may prevent you from healing and moving forward.
- Avoid blame. Remember that addiction is a disease – not a moral failing or lack of willpower – and your spouse likely feels a great deal of shame and guilt for their past behaviors.
- Praise your spouse’s progress. As a spouse of a recovering alcoholic, it’s important to acknowledge their progress. In addition, encourage your partner in recovery to attend 12-step meetings and meet with their sponsor at any time, even if it’s inconvenient.
- Prepare for setbacks. Even after completing drug rehab, your spouse may struggle on the path of addiction recovery. Hurdles can range from lying, manipulating, and selfishness to full-blown relapse.
- Don’t take relapse personally. Your spouse’s recovery involves you, but it is really about them. If your spouse falls back into old patterns, continue to lend your support and get them back into drug rehab.
- Spend time getting to know each other again. You may not recognize the individual you’re living with, but chances are you’ll grow to like this person far more than the person they were under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
It’s not easy being married to a recovering addict. For most couples with a spouse in addiction recovery, life doesn’t magically fall into place without a lot of hard work by both partners.
However, recovery can deepen the bonds of marriage, but only if you take care of yourself and each other. Recovery may be your spouse’s number-one priority right now. However, there’s an important place for you in the process as you support your spouse with addiction.
Extra Mile Recovery can help. Contact us today.
